


A Car, A Torch, A Death

by Gebiurl (fookin_tossah)



Category: Panic! at the Disco, Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Altered Mental States, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Dissociation, Drinking to Cope, Drug Use, I don't feel like tagging anymore, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Recreational Drug Use, Self-Harm, Self-Mutilation, Sex Stuff, Underage Drinking, Underage Drug Use, drug, so just sex stuffs that I went into detail with
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-24
Updated: 2017-05-22
Packaged: 2018-11-03 13:07:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10967886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fookin_tossah/pseuds/Gebiurl
Summary: Josh has a way of finding Tyler even when he doesn't want to be found.





	A Car, A Torch, A Death

**Author's Note:**

> Ah I suck at summaries. all mistakes are mine because I apparently refuse to write on my computer and only use my phone. Anyways, Enjoy. :)

 

If you asked Josh, he'd reply with yes, yes he'd do it all again.

.......

They met senior year. He was high as a kite, too. The world was slow and fuzzy and his fingertips tingled and his ears were sensitive which is why he flinched when Brendon would laugh his loud, boisterous laugh. It's Brendon's fault why he's like this, anyways.

The pills are stronger. Brendon's dealer (his mother, unknowingly) upped the dosage since last time and Josh wasn't prepared. But he likes the feeling. Likes how slow his mind gets, likes that his senses are sensitive.

"Hey," Brendon calls out to him, snapping his fingers in front of Josh's face. "I want you to meet someone."

"Why? Who?"

"It's my friend."

"Why do I need to meet him?"

"Because I want you to befriend him too," was his only explanation and Josh nodded and handed over his phone to Brendon when he asked for it.

He smiled for a picture when requested and instantly got one back, a blurry mess but with a funny caption he wished he could remember. But that's what happens when you take pills. You forget. Josh likes that part.

............

He also likes snap streaks. He likes getting notifications when he wakes up from drug induced hazes. He likes it when they're fresh faces. He especially likes the blurry ones. A blurry one.

Josh rarely remembers anything but he remembers the blurry one, for some reason. He opens up his snap chat to another fuzzy picture and a caption about a dog and he smiles wide, snapping a picture of half of his face (the other half is hidden in his pillow).

'Why are your pictures always so blurry?' He replies back and waits patiently for the red arrow to unfill and become an outline and then he closes out of the app only to open it again when the next message comes in.

'I have shaky hands' is the reply with another distorted picture of the boy's face.

'Why are your hands shaky?' Josh replies through the messages instead of a picture.

'Why is the sky blacker than black? Why is the ocean too?  
Sometimes it just is what it is' the reply comes in two separate messages.

Josh nods and holds down both of them to save them.

'I'm Josh'

The blue arrow unfills again but it stays that way and Josh tries not to feel too disappointed. The blurry boy kept his interest up. Not many could do that. He clicked on the name to see if he could find his name but all he saw was 'Blurryface01010100' and he smiles.

Blurryface. How fitting.

  
....................

  
"Your friend is weird," Josh tells Brendon the next day, completely sober this time. For now.

"Which one?"

"Blurryface Snapchat dude," Josh tells him and Brendon grins as he sits in Josh's two seater sports car. It's his parents way of saying _I'm sorry I'm never there._

"Oh. Yeah. He's weird. But cool," he concludes and grabs the glass bowl and covers one of the holes with his thumb as he holds the lighter over the opening and inhales, careful to move his thumb away when he needs to. He breathes and breathes and breathes the smoke and then slowly releases it, laughing as he looks up and blows it on the ceiling.

Josh smiles and takes the bowl back. "What's his name?"

"Tyler. But he's weird about his name."

"What do you mean?"

"He doesn't always go by it. It's weird. He's weird. He's just weird but I don't know. Think you two would get along and we could all smoke together one day," Brendon offers and Josh nods before he's taking a hit too and blowing it out.

"I wanna meet him. Does he go here?"

"Sometimes."

.........

Sometimes. Josh repeats the word in his head throughout the day. Sometimes.

.........

Sometimes Josh sees his parents. Sometimes they care. Sometimes Blurred-face Tyler comes to class. Sometimes he snapchats Josh. But never has he officially met Josh.

Yet.

..........

'Your name is Tyler'

'Sometimes'

...........

  
Josh receives a grainy picture of downtown Ohio, the little town where he lives in. He smiles as he recognizes the place.

'Youre gonna get robbed out there' he replies, rolling his eyes in the video he replies back with.

'Lol.'

And then a minute later there's a video sent to him with Tyler on a longboard, holding on to the back of a police car as it drives. It's not long at all.

'You're crazy.'

'Medicated***'

Josh smirks.

...................

Tyler sends him a picture of a basketball gym Thursday night. He's outside looking in.

'Do you play?' Josh replies.

'Sometimes.'

'What do you usually do then?'

'Skate. Or make music.'

'Me too. Mostly music, tho. I'm in a band.'

There's silence from Tyler for a long time before he gets a reply.

'Can I listen?'

'You'll have to come see us practice.'

'Ok.'

....................

Josh uploads a video to his snap story Friday night during the football game. No ones watching stories just posting about the game so he posts one not about the game. He's in his car driving alone with music playing in the background.

'Lonely Friday nights' he titles it with some rock song playing in the background.

'Twinning' Tyler replies to him and Josh checks it and laughs at a stop light.

'I'm always alone on Friday nights. Everyone's at the game.'

'Why don't you go?'

'I don't like football.'

'Me neither. And they also banned me'

Josh laughs and chances his reply with the car moving. 'Why?'

'Got caught with a blunt.'

'Come smoke with me' Josh offers and bites his lip.

'Meet me downtown.'

'Where?'

'Downtown'

Josh doesn't ask again, he just turns the wheel and heads downtown like Tyler told him to. He parks in the parking deck and sits in his car.

'Here' he messages Tyler.

It's not the smartest move he's ever made. Meeting someone he doesn't know alone and in the middle of the night. He's got cash in case anything goes wrong. It's enough to bribe someone with.

'Parking deck?'

'Yeah.'

But Josh doesn't stay in his car. He gets out and walks out of the parking deck and he's met with a boy his height and a longboard in his arms.

"Tyler?"

"I--I don't know your name, actually. Is that weird?" Tyler replies and stops walking.

"Josh."

"Josh," Tyler repeats. "I'm Tyler. For now."

"I'm sober. For now."

Tyler smirks at him. "Come on. There's a place at the top that's a good smoking spot."

"Ok."

And they head up quietly. They take the elevator to the highest one they can and then climb two flights of stairs to get to the open top. They're quiet and Josh says nothing as Tyler goes to the ledge, setting down his board and jumping up and climbing on top. He lets his legs dangle over and then looks back expectantly at Josh.

"Not scared of heights, are you?"

"I'm not scared of anything," Josh tells him and climbs up just like Tyler did.

He laughs and shakes his head as Josh settles next to him. "Nothing?"

"Nothing," he agrees. "I'm logical to a fault."

"Hm."

"I'm numb," Josh admits softly after a few moments.

Tyler doesn't reply. He reaches into his pocket for his blunt and lights up. "Me too. It just takes drugs to get me that way. Why do you do them anyways? Aren't drugs for those that are like too emosh and shit? Like why double numb?"

"Gives the numb a reason, I guess. I don't know. I like how fuzzy my brain gets. Stops the thinking."

Tyler nods and hands over the blunt. "I don't take my meds all the time," he says softly. "I think--I don't know. Sometimes they're too much, I think? And it stops me from thinking. It stops me from feeling. And if I can't feel I can't write and if I can't write, I can't make music. And I'm nothing without that, ya know? And weed helps. It doesn't fuck me up quite as much as the other stuff."

It's Josh's turn to nod and inhale. "Does your medication make your hands shake?"

"Not taking them makes them shake," Tyler says and holds out his hand flat to show Josh the trembling.

"Why're you supposed to take them for or whatever?" Josh pries, seeing if Tyler will let him.

He does. Easily. "I have a dissociative disorder," he admits. "And anxiety and depression. I have the fucking works, honestly. I take my meds for mania and shit but not for everything."

"Damn."

"Why haven't I seen you around a lot?" It's Tyler's turn to pry.

Josh smirks. "Maybe if you came to school more often you'd see me."

"Maybe. But I would've seen you sooner."

"Oh. Well. I transferred in from the music school."

Tyler whistles and grins widely. "Fancy, huh? Why'd you transfer?"

"I got kicked out."

Tyler chuckles and grabs the blunt back from Josh. "What for?"

"I--uh--" Josh hesitates. He scratches at his face and then wipes his sweaty palms on his jeans. "I hit someone."

Tyler nods. "I bet they deserved it."

"Nah. They didn't," he says softly, looking out over the small town. "I fucked up."

"Everyone fucks up."

"Not like me."

Tyler shakes his head and sets down the half smoked blunt. He reaches down and shoves his sleeves up, revealing deep, angry lines going up his arm. "I fucked up too," he says and shows them to Josh.

"I--shit. Shit, Tyler. I'm glad they were able to stop your fuck up.

"No. I fucked up in getting caught."

...............

'Why blurryface?'

'Disassociation makes my head fuzzy.'

...............

"Tyler's sad, dude," Josh tells Brendon Monday morning, sitting in the drivers seat.

"Why don't you ever let me drive?" Brendon replies, ignoring the comment.

"Because it gives me anxiety," he admits.

"Your parents can afford a new car if I wreck it. They can afford like twelve."

"Not every privileged kid likes taking advantage of that," he chuckles and pops open his little bottle and lets two pills fall into his palm.

"What's for breakfast?"

"Oxy."

"A breakfast fit for kings," Brendon says happily and takes one of the pills and makes a show of swallowing them.

Josh pops it into his mouth quickly and dry swallows. It won't take effect immediately but his bones relax knowing the high will come. "Tyler is sad," Josh repeats.

"Yeah. He is. I met him in that center for teens or some shit like that," Brendon says slowly. "He wasn't in there for drugs. They had him on suicide watch there."

"When was this?"

"Right before you transferred."

"Shit."

"He's cool, though."

"He is," Josh agrees and grins. "We got high Friday night together."

"How romantic," he teases. "He can play a mean ukulele," Brendon says and chuckles. "Used to play it for me so I could go to sleep when I was coming off of shit. He said it would help soothe my bones."

"Did it?"

"Sometimes."

........................

'Why'd you punch that kid?'

'Why'd you try to kill yourself?'

'Guess it's the same answer for both: they deserved it'

..........................

Josh smiles down at his phone when he sees his snap lighting up. He knows who it is immediately and he grabs it and opens it up. A blurry picture of Tyler smoking shows up.

'Lame' Josh replies.

'Why?'

'Cause you're smoking alone'

'Come over then.'

'Ok.'

'Really?'

'Yeah.'

'Ok. Fair warning, my mom is awake and she might talk to you. But she's nice.'

'That's cool. I like moms.'

'Dude...gross.'

Josh laughs and asks for the address and all Tyler tells him is that it's near the bowling alley across town but not the actual address. He tells him the fun is in the chase. Dares Josh to find him.

'I dare you to find me.'

'Ok.'

Josh gets into his car and drives off to the bowling alley, going up and down the streets looking for Tyler's house. He said it had green shutters. He turns his high beams on and looks for green shutters for an hour until he finally pulls up and he messages Tyler that he's there.

  
He waits and waits until the porch lights turn on. And then off. On. Off.

He smiles and watches as Tyler attempts to speak to him in Morse code but it doesn't work. So instead he gets out of his car and heads to the door.

"I never back down from dares," Josh tells him.  
  
"Brave soul," he chuckles back and Josh just grins and walks inside.

The house is small. It's older. But it's charming and cozy. It feels lived in. And Tyler's mom is on the recliner asleep.

He puts his finger to his lip and grabs Josh's wrist and leads him away from the living room-kitchen area and to a smaller room inside. This room is dark with posters and drawings everywhere. There's notebooks littered across the floor and Tyler does his best to shove them into a little pile in the corner.

"Sorry. Didn't think you'd find me," he admits and Josh snorts.

"Lame."

"You're lame."

"That was weak," Josh laughs and Tyler grins at him.

He settles down on his bed and Josh follows. He takes out a little glass bowl and settles it between the two of them before packing it and taking the first hit, passing it over to Josh.

"Brendon says you play a mean ukulele."

"I played it nice for him," Tyler replies and smirks a bit at the eye roll he receives.

"He said it helped him sometimes. Thanks for that, ya know. Thanks for helping him. He's a good guy. He's just.....

"Lost?"

"Yeah."

"Aren't we all?"

Josh snorts and hands back the bowl before relaxing against the wall on the bed. His limbs feel light. "Sometimes."

"Are you lost, Josh?"

He thinks that question over, turns it around in his head until the answer greases his gears and turns them. "Sometimes."

"Explain."

"Sometimes...sometimes I'm the stereotypical depressed dude. Sometimes I hate myself and everything I have. I hate how I grew up. I hate my parents. And then other days I'm...I guess I'm fine with it. I realize it's just life. Some of us pull short straws. Some of us pulled longer ones. I pulled a long one and I'm bitching about wanting it longer."

Tyler nods again. "Just because your parents have money doesn't mean you pulled a long straw."

"True."

"Why-why did you punch that kid in the face, Josh?" He asks slowly.

Josh looks down at his hands. He sees the cuts on his knuckles. The permanent scarring. He remembers what the feel of bone breaking feels like in his hands. He knows how loud someone screams. He knows what it's like to feel out of control.

"I was--I was in the drum program at this really nice music school. Like--Tyler I was the best. The very fucking best. Youngest kid to be accepted and everything. And I went there for years. Years, man. And then my teacher retired and we got this new guy and he-he fucking...nothing I did was good enough, ok? So I practiced and practiced and it was never good enough.

"Then he gets this new kid who doesn't know an eighth note from a half note to take my spot as first chair. Me. Who's been at this for years. He takes my spot and I lose it. I wouldn't eat. Wouldn't sleep. All I did was practice until my hands bled. And one night the dude comes over to one of my midnight practices and he offers to help me. Tutor me. Tells me it's not worth this much effort though. It's just drums.

"And I--I fucking lost it. All that hard work and he wouldn't even take it seriously," Josh murmurs and his hands shake more. "All of that. And I--I don't remember much," he says and wipes under his nose. "I remember them prying me off of him. He--I broke something in his face. I can't remember what. But there's permanent damage. He has head issues. They said I-I rammed his head into something. I don't know. But he can't play drums anymore. And I can't fucking remember what I did to him."

"Holy shit," Tyler whispers.

"They didn't arrest me because my parents paid a lot of good money to keep it off my record. They say it was a miracle. I say it's luck," he says and reaches for the bowl to smoke again. "So me being out of my mind like I was...I ran from the cops when they came to arrest me, actually. And I was so out of it I didn't realize I had ran a red light and I got t bones," Josh says slowly. "I was dead for four minutes. They say it was a miracle. I think it was bad luck."

"That's what the doctors told me when they were able to stitch up my wrists and save me," Tyler replies quietly, his dark eyes watching Josh handle the bowl delicately. "They said it was a miracle and I told everyone it was bad luck."

Josh nods slowly. "Some people deserve to live. I just don't think I was one of them."

..............................

'Wanna smoke tonight, Tyler?'

'No'

...............................

Josh doesn't see Tyler at school for a straight week again. Doesn't hear from him either. No snapchats or texts. He pretends he doesn't care.

He just pops extra pills with Brendon.

..............................

Josh is out running errands for his parents when he sees the familiar skinny thighs and the slight hunch walking down the street. Tyler's got his longboard in one of his hands, the other's holding a cigarette. He pulls over, rolling down the window and leaning over.

"Hey!"

Tyler stops walking, he stiffens up and his back straightens and he turns his head before he loosens up again when he sees Josh. "What do you want?" He asks, sauntering over with lazy steps and a slight smirk.

"Need a lift?"

He shakes his head. "Don't really have an end to my destination."

"That's ok. Hop in," Josh insists and unlocks the doors, letting Tyler into his two seater.

He climbs in and looks around, gently settling his board into the back area. It's just big enough to fit his board which is really all that he needs.

Josh drives off and smiles a bit to himself, feeling satisfied.

"Where're we headed to?" Tyler asks curiously.

"Nowhere in particular," he admits and shrugs. "Figured I'd kidnap you for a bit, get my fix of you in. Problem?"

Tyler snorts and shakes his head. "No. No. Just curious."

Josh nods again and then reaches over, glancing over at Tyler when he stiffens up in his seat and settles his hands in his lap. "Settle down, Ty. Just grabbing my phone," he says lightly and grabs the phone. "M'gonna play you my current obsession."

He types into his phone with one hand and the other stays on the steering wheel. His eyes move back and forth from the screen to the road before him.

"I hope texting and driving isn't a big thing for you," Tyler says lightly.

"Nah. Just music and driving. The occasional Snapchat and driving," he admits and presses on the song, letting the soft noises fill his car up from his speakers.

"What is this?" Tyler asks curiously as the boy begins to rap.

"Kevin Abstract. Seventeen," he says and Tyler nods and stares straight ahead as the song continues.

He smiles sometimes, when a certain lyric hits him or a certain note he likes rings out. Josh likes that. Likes his smile. There's nothing better than Tyler's smile, he thinks.

"I like this," he concludes and then grabs Josh's phone. "Can-oh, sorry. Can I--

"Yeah. Of course. Go ahead. The password is 1988."

Tyler grins and types quickly into the phone before a new song is playing, heavier with the drums and a weirder sound. Josh likes it.

"It sounds cool. Who are they?"

"Some weird, hipster band. You wouldn't know them."

"Well, duh. That's why I asked for their name," Josh teases and he turns left on the fork in the road.

Left leads them to the back roads. To where's there's nothing but the country side with big open fields and lots of trees. It leads them to nowhere, basically. But it's exactly where they want to go.

Tyler smiles as he downloads the artist. He smiles. He smiled. Josh decides that's his favorite thing in the world. That'd he do anything to get him to smile and keep smiling.

He tells him when he's downloaded his favorite album and tells him they're his favorite band and Josh makes a mental note to listen to them. For next time. That thought has him smiling. Next time.

He's brought back to Earth by Tyler chuckling and playing a new song. It's some punk song from ages ago and Josh knows all the words to. Tyler does too. And then suddenly, they go from indie, hipster romance movie to a dude bro comedy, rolling down their windows and screaming the lyrics until their faces are red and their throats are dry.

Suddenly, the weight of it all doesn't seem so heavy. Tyler is just Tyler, to Josh. Tyler is happy. Tyler is laughing, he's smiling. Tyler is everything and Josh can feel the weight of that suffocating him. He hasn't felt like this....ever, he thinks. For anyone else, really. It's probably because they weren't Tyler.

Tyler laughs again. It's sharp and it cuts through his thoughts. It's a minor chord, an unresolved jazz one that feels unfinished. And suddenly, he wants nothing more than an unresolved jazz chord. He wants Tyler to laugh more. He lied. Tyler's laugh is his new favorite thing. And he'll do anything to keep him this happy.

He sighs and his smile slowly fades from his face, but his eyes are still soft and a bit dewy. Josh keeps glancing back and forth between the road and Tyler's face. He's a bit distracted but he's used to driving while heavily distracted.

There are lines on his face and a cut on his cheek. His fingers chatter like broken teeth on a cold day. And Josh wants nothing more than to be the safe house Tyler can run to when his mind is imploding on itself. Instead of being alone, he can be with him. He just doesn't know how to say that. How can he?

"I think I need to get home," Tyler says, no longer an unresolved piano chord, but now a sad guitar in e minor.

"Ok."

Josh smiles a bit at him, he turns and drives them towards Tyler's home.

"Sometimes I just like to wander around," Tyler starts slowly. "My head feels like a bedroom with too many guests, and the ceiling fan is broken but it works, so it clicks, clicks, clicks constantly. And something inside of me just wants me to lay in bed. To give up. To fossilize and become a city of forgotten bones. But I can't. I can't give up even though I'm so tired. I'm trying. Josh, I'm trying even if I fail. The still rises and I try again in the morning. Every day."

Josh nods and glances over at Tyler. He can't imagine what it's like. He can't pretend he understands. So he doesn't. "If your room is too full, come lay in my room," he offers. "Mines too empty. It's too gray. It could use some company."

Tyler smiles and nods slowly, he grabs Josh's phone again and types something out on it before the familiar gentle tones start to play. It's Kevin Abstract again and Josh smiles and nods slowly along with the song.

"Do you have a girlfriend?" Tyler asks softly, not looking at Josh, but ,instead, he's looking at his knobby knees.

"No," Josh chuckles. "Why?"

"Just..." Tyler doesn't respond, he just slowly slips his hand into Josh's and tangles their fingers together.

They listen to Seventeen on repeat all the way back to Tyler's house. It's a constant, never ending stream of feels that the song pays ode to. He thinks Tyler feels it. He squeezes his hand every time he hears a certain lyric so Josh swears he feels what Josh feels. He hopes he does, at least.

Josh pulls up to Tyler's house, stopping right before the mailbox and they both sit there, unwilling to move and end the calm between them.

"Thank you," Tyler says softly when the song finally ends and he pauses it before it can start again. "Thanks for kidnapping me."

"Anytime," Josh chuckles and squeezes his hand.

"This..I know this is the part where one of us laughs and then we stop and lean over and you kiss me. Or I kiss you. But I--I can't," he says and his eyebrows furrow. He turns his face to Josh but he's not looking at him, he's staring off beside him, like he's having an internal debate.

"That's ok."

Tyler looks up and sees the sincerity from Josh's eyes and he smiles. He leans forward and Josh holds his breath, "I reserve my right to change my mind in that kiss," he says but Tyler's lips connect to his cheek. "Just not tonight. Goodnight."

"Night, Ty."

He waits until Tyler is safe inside before he drives off, smiling so wide it hurts. His body is buzzing. He feels. He feels. He feels something and he didn't have to be high as a kite to feel it.

He gets home and climbs into bed and yeah, he meant it when it said it was too lonely. Maybe he won't be lonely anymore. Maybe Tyler can cure that ache. Maybe they'll hang out all of the time and text and snap gooey things that make him melt.

Maybe. Maybe.

..............................

'Tyler, you're seriously so amazing. If you ever want to be kidnapped again or something, just text me :P'

Tyler doesn't reply.

...............................

Tyler goes ghost again. Josh pretends it doesn't hurt.

He fails.

...............................

He gets a Snapchat two Friday's after Tyler's complete radio silence. He doesn't expect it. Josh is laying in bed, overpriced headphones over his ears as he plays his music loud when the notification chimes and Josh scrambles to open it.

'Wanna break into a park with me?' It reads.

Josh snorts and tosses his phone to the side.

"No," he says out loud to himself and then sits up, taking the headphones off and moving to slip on his shoes.

'Yes' he replies.

................

"Why this park?" Josh asks, getting out of his car after he parks it and moving towards Tyler.

He's sitting on the curb, hands in his hoodie and a beanie over his head. He smiles, it's tired and his eyes are a bit distant. But when he stares up into Josh's eyes, they focus a bit more.

"It's the one I always break into when I'm feeling like this," Tyler explains and stands up.

They're too close for comfort. But Josh doesn't take a step back. He's fearless.

"And how are you feeling?" Josh asks him and takes a small step forward.

Tyler smirks at him, closed mouth and silent, before he takes steps back from Josh. He slinks away backwards before turning around at the last second and leaving Josh behind to follow after him. Josh barely knows Tyler but he knows he'll always follow after him.

He catches up easily and lets Tyler lead them to the swings. "I just want to swing under the stars," Tyler finally says and sits down, slowly letting himself sway back and forth.

He's distant again. His eyes glazed over and his mouth is a serious, straight line. There's bags under his eyes and Josh sees the tremble in his fingers. He's different. And Josh thinks back to a conversation he had.

"Who are you when you're not Tyler?" He asks Tyler slowly.

He watches the other one stiffen up, gripping the metal chains from his seat tightly. "I don't know."

"Are you Tyler right now?"

Tyler's silent. He blinks out into the dark and his eyes widen.

"Who are you right now?" Josh asks quietly, moving to stand in front of Tyler.

"I don't--I don't--

"Where are you?"

"Park," Tyler answers instantly.

"Name five things around you."

"Swings. Mulch. C-c-c-c-c" Tyler stumbles and he blinks rapidly, shaking his head as he struggles on his words. "There's-it's--I--"

"What do you see?" Josh asks again.

"Car."

"Good. What else?"

"A car."

"What else?" Josh asks, shaking his head and moving to stand in front of Tyler.

Tyler doesn't look at him. His eyes rise from the ground and then turn towards the parking lot. "A torch. And death."

Josh shakes his head and kneels on the mulch, feeling the hard pieces dig into his knees and the dirt below it staining his too-expensive pants. "No, Tyler. You can't see death," he says and he reaches a bit. "You can't see that. But what can you see? Who do you see?" He asks and slowly moves his hands to Tyler's face, cupping his jaw and gently urging Tyler to turn his face to Josh.

Tyler's eyes are wild. They're not what Josh is used to. The lazy, apathetic stare he's used to is replaced with something else. Something that makes Josh's stomach clench with the need to bring back the apathy.

"Who am I?" He asks softly and Tyler looks over his face a few times.

"Josh."

"Yeah. I'm Josh," he chuckles and rubs his thumb on Tyler's cheek. "I'm Josh. And what does that make you feel?"

"Empty."

"Why?"

The boy shakes his head, blinking his eyes rapidly again. "I don't know."

"Who am I?"

"Josh."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Angry," Tyler snaps, his hands grabbing Josh's wrists and squeezing as tightly as he can.

"Why?" Josh asks fearlessly.

"Because....because...."

"Because why, Tyler."

"Because you're ruining everything," he whispers and the burning rage he just caught a glimpse of dissipates into nothingness and is replaced by something soft, something raw and vulnerable.

"Who am I?" He asks again and Tyler squeezes again, but this time it's not to hurt. It's to anchor himself.

"Josh."

"And what do you feel?"

"Safe. I feel safe," he whispers and moves his hands from Josh's wrists to his hands and just stares, his eyes getting wetter and wetter until he has to hide his face in whatever he can.

"It's ok," Josh whispers and bites his lower lip. "You are safe. You're ok. You're here. You're Tyler."

"Again."

"What?"

"Say my name," Tyler commands from behind Josh's wrist, attempting to hide as much of his face with as little as he can.

"Tyler."

"Again."

"Tyler."

"Again. Again. Again. Please jus--

"Tyler. Tyler Joseph. You're Tyler Joseph. Tyler. Tyler," Josh repeats until Tyler is crying and shaking and Josh knows he's ok again. He's grounded.

Tyler lets go of Josh and wipes his eyes and Josh lets his hands go to his sides. He walks to the swing next to the other boy and finally sits down.

"I--I come here when it gets bad," he whispers to the pink haired boy.

"When what gets bad?"

"Sometimes I don't feel like me," he whispers, staring out into nothingness again, his feet undulating as he makes himself swing a few inches in each direction. "I feel...I feel like I don't belong here. Like--like I'm not real; ya know? Like this is a movie or something and that I shouldn't be watching this one. Or living it. I don't know;" he says and shakes his head. "I just don't feel connected to anything."

Josh doesn't reply, he just nods slowly and stares.

"Sometimes it's not so bad. Sometimes it's ok. But tonight it was bad. It was so bad. I--I just--I couldn't stop myself."

"Stop yourself from what?"

Tyler lets his arms fall to his thighs and leaves them there so Josh gets up and squats down again in front of Tyler. He looks up and Tyler nods and then grabs his hoodie sleeves and shoves them up to reveal red. So much red.

"You've caught me red handed," Tyler whispers.

Josh nods and his stomach turns. He used to love red. It's his favorite color. Now he hopes he never has to see it again. Especially against skin. The strong smell of iron is enough to make him swallow back bile as he looks at the open wounds.

They're not simple cuts. They're deep. Josh almost wonders if what he's staring at is Tyler's attempt to cut his own arm off before changing his mind on where to start several times or what.

"You need help."

"I don't," he says softly. "Not the kind that doctors can give me. Josh. I--I can heal. I'll heal so fast from this," he whispers and leans in.

"Tyler you can't. Tyler your arms--

"Will be fine. But I didn't do this. I wouldn't--I can--Josh. I did this, but not this," he whispers and points to the crook of his elbow.

Tyler's name is carved into it and Josh shakes his head. He needs help. Tyler needs a hospital.

"Come on. Get up. We need--

"I did it so I wouldn't forget my name," he says and tugs Josh down, stopping him from getting up. "Josh, you don't have to understand but you have to listen to me. Please don't take me to the hospital. Please," he begs. "I won't survive it this time."

Josh wants to scream. He wants to take Tyler and hide him away and make sure he never hurts himself again. Makes sure he keeps Tyler's head here and not out in space.

"Come home with me. Let me take care of you," Josh offers instead and Tyler nods.

...................

Tyler sits on Josh's massive sink, eerily still as Josh grabs the first aid from his bathroom closet and sets it down next to his skinny thighs. He watches as Josh grabs things and gets prepared to clean Tyler up.

"You believe me, right?" He asks quietly.

He grabs the first injured arm and he just stares, he doesn't know where to start or what to do. There's so much disconnected skin. "I don't know," he admits. He won't lie.

"My doctor says it's disassociation," Tyler explains. "She says it's..I can't remember. She said something about a destroyer or something and yeah."

"What's that?"

"It's an alter. One that wants to harm me."

"Hm," Josh hums in reply and begins to dab at the skin to clean it, holding Tyler's wrist tightly as he struggles against the pain. He has to clean it. He can't risk an infection.

"Alters are altered states of mind," he explains softly.

"Yeah?"

"Does that scare you?"

"What does?"

"That I have other people in my head that can cause me harm. Allegedly."

Josh shrugs and turns the arm a bit so he can get to all of the little crevices and openings. "Im not afraid of anything," he says softly and then glances up into Tyler's eyes. "I'm not afraid of you, Tyler."

Their eyes don't break the contact for a few moments. He feels the electric charge from it but Tyler breaks it by looking away. "I don't think I have that. I think it's something else."

"What do you think it is?"

"I think....I think something does want to hurt me," he says. "But it's not my mind. It's not me. Not even an alter. I think--it's something else."

"What could it be?"

"It's...something that whispers in my head. Like...sometimes I can hear him, ya know? But it's not coming from me. But it's in me. And...and other times I can't remember anything. Other times there's just--

"It could be hallucinations. Auditory hallucinations are much more common that visual ones. There's stuff that can help. It--

"Josh, I'm not crazy. I'm not--I'm mentally unwell. I have a fractured mind and a weak ego, but I'm not delusional. I know what I feel or don't feel. I know what it is and I know what it's not," he explains. "I know that I don't talk to anyone about this. That I don't have friends. I don't....I don't ask for help or accept it. But for some weird fucking reason, you make my head feel not so fuzzy. You make me feel connected to my body again. You...you make me feel safe," he whispers that last part. "And it scares me shitless. But what I don't get is why it would make me mad. And that's how I know something's wrong. Because I don't get mad. And there's this little ball of fucking rage that lives in the depths of my mind that's completely out of place. I didn't put it there. I'm terrified of you not angry at you."

Josh moves to the other arm to clean. "Earlier when you said you were angry at me," he starts, "you said I ruined something."

"I don't know why I said that."

"I don't either."

"I was--oh god. Did I hurt you?" Tyler asks suddenly.

"No."

"I was--

"Tyler, I promise; you are not strong enough to leave damage from squeezing a bit too hard," Josh laughs and shakes his head.

He grabs the gauze and tape and wraps up Tyler's arms as best as he can. He finishes up and just stands there in between Tyler's legs just holding his wrists gently and just staring at his work.

"Do you believe me now?" Tyler asks quietly and Josh lets his eyes slowly take in Tyler's body before settling into the brown eyes.

"I'm trying."

"That's more than what anyone else has done," he admits and moves his arms away from Josh's hold. "Last time I told them something was wrong, they strapped me into a bed and kept me fucked up on drugs for days. It got worse after that," he admits. "So much worse."

"I won't let them take you back to the hospital, then."

"Then don't tell anyone what I told you. Please?"

"I promise, Tyler."

"Again."

"Tyler."

"Again."

"Tyler."

Tyler smiles softly and watches Josh mouth move and contort to let out the breathy sounds of his name. It sounds like heaven.

.....................

"Dude, you look like you could use one of these," Brendon chuckles, sitting in their usual spot outside of the school.

Josh looks and watches as Brendon spreads a white line of powder across his middle console. Tyler sat in that same seat just hours earlier, bleeding like a motherfucker from his arms. He shakes his head and looks around instead, keeping watch.

"Nah. It's cool."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Cool. More for me," he says and grabs the little straw and presses down on one side of his nose before leaning down and snorting the first line, tilting his head back and making small noises.

"Maybe you shouldn't do both lines," Josh offers quietly and turns to watch Brendon.

"Maybe. Probably."

Brendon snorts the second line, anyway.

....................

"Dude. What the fuck happened to your wrists?" His friends ask him at lunch.

Brendon slowly blinks over to see and his eyes widen comically. "Dude. Seriously. What the hell? Did your dad do that again?"

"No," Josh says and shakes his head, pulling his hoodie on so the sleeves cover his bruised wrists.

There's two large bruises wrapped around his wrist.

No one brings it up again.

..............................

Tyler doesn't message him. Even goes out of his way to avoid social media completely. Josh doesn't talk about it. He doesn't.

..............................

Josh sometimes goes on walks around the town in the park. He likes to walk around and just think. He smokes his cigarettes and walks silently, putting his phone in his back pocket when he realizes he's not getting any notifications for the night.

It's only been a few days, he's not expecting Tyler to break his vow of silence yet. He's starting to learn him, the closer you get, the further Tyler likes to push away. 

He sighs and keeps walking until he hears a sound. A repetitive sound. He doesn't know the onomatopoetic word to describe the sounds he hears from a basketball. He thinks it sounds a lot like a drip.

Drip. Drip. Drip.

The constant drips from a broken faucet in the kitchen. A broken kitchen sink, if you will. The constant dripping noise is a lot harder now, though, then it would be if it was water tapping against metal.

The sound is harsh. It echoes. There's rubber and concrete and the two mixed always leave a smell behind that is easy to ignore. Josh walks forward towards the noise and finds Tyler in the middle of a deserted basketball goal in the middle of the night.

"Gotta be careful out here," Josh says lightly and keeps walking over, grabbing his keys from his pocket, and his phone and wallet, setting it down on the corner of the court.

"Why?"

"Bunch of weirdos out at night," he says and steps onto the court.

Tyler stops. He holds the ball in his hands and stares. "I am the weirdo."

"You're not. And I was just joking, anyways," he says lightly and walks closer to Tyler. "How're you feeling?"

"Fine," he replies quickly, sharp and cutting.

"You sure?" Josh asks, getting closer and stopping when there's a few feet between them, giving Tyler space.

"I think I'd know if something was wrong with my own brain, Josh," Tyler snaps and his fingers grip the ball tighter.

He nods and Josh takes a step back. "Come on. Pass the ball."

"Why?"

"I'll play you."

He grips the ball impossibly tighter, until his fingers are white and Josh hears a pop. Something is wrong. He thinks this is what Tyler was referring to the other day. He think--

He doesn't have time to think because the ball is passed over to him and Josh dribbles it in his right hand. He bends down at his knees a bit and takes a few cautious steps. Tyler watches him like a hawk. His eyes aren't dewy. They're sharp. They're focused. They're hyper aware of every movement Josh makes.

He moves to the middle, to shoot over Tyler's head and he hops up to shoot. But the ball is barely off his fingers when he feels a shoulder in his chest and he falls back on his ass.

"Gotta be quicker than that," Tyler says with a smirk and Josh watches before he's getting up.

"Gotta be smarter than that," Josh tells him and the ball swishes through the net.

His eyes follow the ball as it bounces and Tyler is so stiff. He bends down and grabs the ball slowly, every move feels forced--too calculated. Too not Tyler.

"Again," Tyler says and bounces the ball too roughly to Josh.

He catches it and he begins again. Tyler stays too rough. He shoves and elbows, he scratches and pushes Josh any chance he can get. It's less about winning and more about stopping Josh but that plan isn't working for Tyler. Josh gets ahead easily and he wonders if he's even played basketball before.

He gets that answer when he sees his form when he tries to shoot and it's completely off and wrong and no. Tyler has never played before.

They play for ages, until Josh is dripping with sweat and panting and Tyler, Tyler is red and sweaty but he's not panting. He's angry. His eyebrows are knit together and he's breathing slowly.

"Ty, come on. We should head back. It's late," Josh tells him, holding the ball hostage. "Your mom will be worried."

"No. Come on. Try again."

"Tyler. Come on."

"I said, try again," he says slowly.

Josh shakes his head. "Come on. I'll give you a ride. I--

"You always find me," Tyler says softly. "Always. What're you stalking me? You're always there. You never leave. You're like some pathetic puppy," he snaps.

Josh snorts. "You told me to come find you the other day at the park."

"And you came. Like a good puppy that you are. Don't you think I'd text more if I wanted you?"

Josh grips the ball harder before he drops it and walks to Tyler. "Don't push me out, Ty."

Tyler does the complete opposite and shoves Josh as hard as he can. He stumbles back and stares as Tyler steps up and does it again and again. "Get away from me! Stay away!" He screams.

"Tyler, what--

"I said stay away!" He screams again and he pushes Josh but he fists his shirt and pulls Josh right back in. "Stay away. Stay--stay...Josh, stay," he says softer and Josh watches as his body loosens and he hunches in on himself. "Stay.."

"Tyler?" He asks softly, reaching up to cup the boy's cheeks gently. "Hey, Ty," he says quietly when Tyler looks up to meet his eyes.

His eyes are back to their old stare. Not over analytical or calculating. They're back to dewy. They're back to kind. Tyler just stares up at him, a little lost and dazed and then he lets go and steps back.

"I'm so sorry. I'm--"

"Tyler?"

Tyler shakes his head and walks backwards, grabbing his ball and turning around. He walks away and Josh goes numb.

..........................

Josh doesn't remember getting home. He remembers basketballs and shoving and he closes his eyes and tries to pretend it didn't happen. He tries to pretend it's all ok.

It's not.

He goes into his room and closes the door, just standing in the middle of it. Josh moves over to his nightstand and opens it up, grabbing his bag of weed and taking it out. He's numb but there's always room for more numb.

He lays on his bed, staring up at his ceiling as he smokes alone. He needs something harder but Brendon's asleep and he doesn't keep harder drugs than this in the house. He regrets that personal rule tonight.

The smoke whirls and curls around other strings of smoke and he watches it, he feels his body relax and his mind slows down a bit. He's taking another big hit when his body buzzes on his bare stomach and he lazily grabs it.

It's Tyler. He opens it and stares.

'You busy?'

Josh sighs and sits up, setting his blunt down on his night stand and replies 'no'.

'Can I come in?'

His eyebrows furrow as he reads Tyler's message and he shakes his head in disbelief. Tyler sends another message before he can reply.

'also. Why are you gated? I was gonna try and throw rocks at your window or something romantic like that but there's a gate and I'm scared the cops will come if I try and climb up and I'm really embarrassed abt this. It's ok if I can't come in. I just...I wanted to talk.'

Josh smiles and shakes his head. 'Give me a sec.'

'Ok.'

Josh doesn't bother with putting on more clothes, he just slips into his Nike sandals and walks down to the front doors, putting in a code and the gate unlocks. He puts in another code for the front door and then he opens it and he waits for Tyler to make his way down the too-long path to the front door. When he does, Tyler is blushing.

He can see it even under the dim light.

"Hey."

"What do you want?" Josh asks and crosses his arms, quirking his eyebrow and Tyler makes a face and laughs awkwardly.

"I deserved that."

Josh smirks. "I'm quoting you. Remember? When I kidnapped you? That's --never mind. Hey."

They stand there awkwardly and Josh relents. "Come on. Our guard dogs might think you're hurting me."

"You have guard dogs?"

"No," Josh snorts and leads them inside and up to his room.

He lets Tyler go in first and then closes the door behind them. "Uhm. Make yourself at home," he says a bit awkwardly, scratching at his head nervously.

"I...may have said some things I didn't mean," he starts.

"It's ok. I'm not...I'm not mad," Josh admits, leaning against his dresser while Tyler sits down on his bed. "I just...I'm not mad."

"You have every right to be. I shouldn't--I shouldn't have put my hands on you like that. I had no right. And the shit I said. I--

"Wasn't you. Or was it?"

Tyler sighs and shakes his head. "It wasn't me," he agrees. "It..I'm sorry."

"It's ok," Josh says and shakes his head. "Really, it is."

Tyler just stares up at him from under his lashes and Josh bites his lip. "You told me about what happens. You literally warned me and I told you I'm not afraid. And I'm not. And I don't know what to do with it but I'm not...Tyler, you don't have to apologize. You don't have to do anything."

Tyler shakes his head and looks down at his lap. "I'm sorry I'm always leaving," he whispers. "I'm sorry I'm never consistent. I'm sorry that I disappear for weeks at a time, sometimes. I'm sorry but it's not because I don't want you. It's that I really, really fucking want you, Josh. I want to stay. But I always just end up leaving anyways. I'm sorry. I'm sorry," Tyler repeats over and over again. "I'm sorry because I can't promise I'll stop that. I'm just--I'm so sorry."

Josh sits up from the dresser, he uncrosses his arms and walks to Tyler, bending down and settling his hands on either side of Tyler's thighs and Tyler stops talking. "No more apologizing," Josh commands him slowly and Tyler's breath catches in his throat.

He only did it to stop Tyler from apologizing, to stop working himself up. But now there's a different charge to the room, one Josh didn't really expect but it's there. His eyes move down from Tyler's eyes and to his lips and he forces them up again.

"Tyler, can I--"

"Yes," he replies and suddenly Tyler's hands are on his face, cupping his jaw and pulling him in so their mouths can meet.

He kisses him and then pulls back, opening his eyes to gauge Tyler's reaction. He looks over his face, so flushed and hot. Tyler smiles and opens his eyes. They don't say anything, he just pulls Josh right back in and kisses him with all that he's got.

Josh groans softly and he crawls more on the bed as Tyler leans back, both of them struggling to get to a more comfortable position without separating. They fail and there's laughter shared between their mouths. They move around and Josh settles his weight over Tyler's body, kisses him again and licks his way into Tyler's mouth again.

He tastes happy.

Tyler makes a small noise into Josh's mouth and his hands stay on Josh's throat. He pulls back and looks down at the boy beneath him. "You can touch me," he says softly. "If you want to. Or wherever you want to. It's ok," he whispers and kisses Tyler's cheek and then down to his chin and then under his jaw. He licks down to his neck and Tyler turns his head to bare it and he moans when Josh sucks on the sensitive skin.

His body stiffens and his back arches a bit, pushes up toward the mouth and he whines. Tyler's hands leave the safety of Josh's throat and he carefully lets them smooth down the panes of Josh's back. He feels the muscles move there, feels them working as Josh moves around to get at more of his neck.

"You too," Tyler breathes out. "Touch me anywhere. Please."

It's the please that has Josh stopping. The please that goes straight down to his dick. Please. He said please.

"Fuck, Ty," he groans and his hands move down Tyler's sides, slipping under the shirt and shoving it up.

He sits back on his legs and Tyler sits up and peels the offending shirt off. They're both shirtless and Tyler is a bit breathless and Josh places his hand in the middle of his chest and pushes so Tyler is laying back again. He watches his hand rise and fall as Tyler watches him.

He leans in and licks his chest, up his throat, and then kisses his mouth. He kisses for a few moments before he pulls back and moves his mouth to a pert little nipple and then licks around it. It hardens further and Tyler hisses as Josh plays, as he worships his body.

He tastes everything from the waist up. He sucks little bruises here and there and then takes Tyler's injured arms and just gently kisses the still-healing scars there. He watches Tyler's face as he does that, not wanting to cross a line.

But Tyler, Tyler doesn't stop him. He opens his eyes just a fraction and watches back as Josh kisses the red lines and he blinks rapidly. There's wetness on his cheek and Josh takes that as a cue that he's had enough. But he wants Tyler to know he's not scared. He's not leaving him. He will always find him, no matter how far deep Tyler is lost in his own head. Or anywhere, for that matter. He'll find him.

He moves on to his hips. Bony, sharp things that drive Tyler mad when Josh sucks on them. He bucks his hips up and his fingers claw into his hair and his other hand he bites the tips of his fingers at. It drives him to breathe out another "please" and Josh complies by pushing his pants further down so he can mouth at the hair of his happy trail.

"Can I--

"Please."

Josh takes off Tyler's pants. He shoves them down with his underwear and then sits back again so he can take off his own shorts and boxers. It's quick and he's moving to go back to mouthing at skin but Tyler sits up and places his hand on his chest to stop him.

"Do you want to stop?" Josh asks, looking over his face. He doesn't move.

"No," Tyler chuckles and shakes his head. "I want...can I touch you, too?"

Don't say please. Don't say please.

"Please?"

Fuck. "Yeah," he breathes out and his dick hardens more and Tyler's gaze moves down from his face and down his body.

His eyes are curious and his fingers follow, moving down the trails of hair and muscle. He leans in and kisses his chiseled chest. "Why're you so perfectly in shape? You're making me self conscious here" He jokes and it startles a laugh from Josh.

"What're you even talking about? You're perfect," Josh replies and he lets his hand fall to Tyler's head, scratching lightly as Tyler explores.

"Says you," he snorts and resumes the kissing and licking.

He works Josh up until Josh is cursing and his hips are bucking of their own accord and Tyler still has yet to touch him where he most wants. When he's done exploring though, he tilts his head up and blinks up at Josh with those big, brown yes and just says "please" and Josh is a goner.

He shoves him back onto his back and kisses him again. He kisses his mouth and his neck and reaches blindly out to his night stand, feeling for the bottle of lube he has. Josh can't find it and then he feels Tyler moving and sitting up, leaning over and grabbing the bottle that was an inch away from his hand and he hands it over.

"You know, I won't die if you stop kissing me," he jokes.

Josh smiles widely and pops the cap, pouring some into his hand and reaching below. He wraps his hand loosely around Tyler's dick and then tightens the hold and pumps. He hisses sharply through his teeth and Josh leans in and kisses him through it. "I might, though," he says and Tyler moans, and then moans louder when Josh starts to pump him.

His fist is wet and tight and Tyler rocks his hips into it. But the angle is wrong so they shift around to be on their sides and Tyler hooks his leg over Josh's hip so they're touching more. This is a better angle, Josh agrees silently in his head. He gets to watch Tyler like this. He gets to see him fucking himself into Josh's fist.

But Tyler surprises him. He grabs the bottle of lube and coats his own hand and then reaches down between him to grab Josh. It's a little nest of heat and moans, then. Both of them thrusting their hips forward into each other's fists until Josh tightens his hand a bit more and moves faster.

That has Tyler choking on his name, his back twitching. His hand moves from Josh's dick and to his hip. He gets lost in pleasure before he opens his eyes and tries to jerk him off again. Josh stops him.

He switches hands on Tyler's dick and grabs the other one Tyler had been using, moving it away from them. He moves it back and guides his hand to Tyler's back, slowly moving it between his ass and Tyler's finger circles his own hole before Josh guides the finger inside, feeling as Tyler thrusts it in and out of himself.

He chokes again and Josh wants to watch, but he wants to taste, wants to mark. He leans in again and attaches his mouth to Tyler's neck and sucks. Tyler's body stutters. He rocks back and forth and he whines when he can't decide which way feels better.

Josh moves his mouth up, mouthing along the skin until he's in Tyler's ear. He's whispering sweet nothings and dirty anythings. He's promising to make Tyler feel so good. He's promising to fill him up and fuck him and Tyler whines louder and he pulls his fingers out and grabs Josh's hand. "Fuck me."

"Not tonight," is all that Josh replies before his fingers replace Tyler's inside of him.

Tyler's body seizes up as Josh fingers him, moves his fingers deeper and thrusts them harder until Tyler is hiding his face in Josh's neck. He grabs his arms for purchase and bites down on Josh's chest as he comes.

His whole body trembles in the aftermath. Josh kisses his head and whispers in his ear again until he's calm. And then Tyler is moving from his hold, turning away from him and letting Josh rut against him until his coming too.

They stay like that for a while. They stay in their mess and spooning until Josh kisses Tyler's shoulder and Tyler turns his head a bit.

"That was one hell of a way to apologize, right?"

Josh makes a face and bites his shoulder playfully. "That better have not been an apology."

"It wasn't. But it was good regardless."

Josh smiles and nods. "It was. You're perfect."

..............................

Tyler can't sleep. Neither can Josh.

So Josh gets up and grabs his phone from the floor and hooks it up to the speakers. His parents can't hear them, he promises.

He lays back down and Tyler lays on his chest as Josh finds something.

"I've been meaning to show you this song," he says and plays it.

"More Kevin Abstract?"

"No. Matt Corby."

"Mmmmm, lay you down. Sounds sexual."

"It's not," Josh promises. "At least not to me."

The song is soft. It's a soft, indie lullaby. The perfect soundtrack to a moment like this.

"And all along the way, I'll find you, I'll find you," Josh sings along badly too and has Tyler chuckling into his chest.

They listen to it once. Then twice. Until Tyler is singing along to the song and then screaming Josh's name as he eats him out to it.

Ok: maybe it was sexual.

....................................

'Sorry you woke up this morning without me. I was just trying to avoid possible awkward morning after meeting the parents sort of thing.'

Josh smiles at the text, laying in his bed alone the next day. But Tyler's shirt is on the floor and his own is on Tyler's body. Tyler messaged him first. It's a win.

....................................

"What the hell is this place?" Someone whispers into Josh's ear and he turns and grins as Tyler sits down beside him.

"This is called a school. It's free for Americans," he says and snorts.

"It's free for us lower class folk," Tyler teases and shakes his head. "I didn't know what to bring so I brought nothing."

"Great plan."

"It is. It makes busting you out of here faster."

Josh glances up at that and shakes his head. "You're here, I'm not letting you leave again."

"Can I teach you to skate? I left my board in your car."

"Fine."

Tyler grins and then stands up and walks right out, glancing back at Josh and challenging him. Josh isn't afraid of anything. So he stands up too.

"Mr. Dun?" His teacher questions and Josh grins a bit, trying to look as innocent as possible. "Where're you going?"

"I....uh....home," he says and shrugs. "Not feeling it today."

Brendon laughs loudly from the back and stands up, clapping slowly as the rest of the class joins him.

"Settle down. Settle down," the teacher tries but he fails and Josh walks right out, smiling widely.

Tyler grins and claps too, looking so proud from where he's leaning against the lockers. "So proud."

"You're a bad influence," he accuses and walks over to him. 

"My darkness is contagious," he jokes back and doesn't move when Josh crowds him further into the lockers and kisses him softly. 

"Yeah. This is way better than class."

....................................

They end up in the park again. But it's so different now. Now Tyler's there holding his hand as Josh struggles to stay upright on the skateboard. 

They laugh loudly. They sneak in kisses from between quick lessons. And then Tyler's in the middle of explaining something when a basketball rolls over to him and Josh snorts.

"Want me to hand it back?" He offers. He remembers how Tyler played the other night.

"Hand it back?" Tyler asks and smirks, walking towards the courts again. He turns and hops upon and tosses the ball into the hoop. 

The little kids go crazy and Josh stares a bit dumbfounded. "I thought...

"I used to play competitive basketball."

Josh doesn't question his skills from the other night. He doesn't bring it up again. He ignores it.

....................................

They end up on their backs again. Outside on the grass, staring up at the bright blue sky. Tyler smiles a bit and then sighs, reaching to tangle the ends of his fingers with Josh's.

"I prefer the stars," he whispers. "I love the stars."

"Yeah," Josh agrees and he's not looking up at the sky, he's looking right at Tyler.

....................................

"Why do you do drugs?" Josh asks Brendon a couple of days later. He's curious, now.

"Don't know. Don't wanna feel anything, I guess," he says carelessly and grabs a bag of pills from his bookbag.

"What don't you want to feel?"

Brendon holds the bag and just stops, his lips pressed tightly together. His eyebrows furrow and knit together as his thoughts deepen. "I don't...I don't want to feel like me," he finally settles on.

"Why?"

"Because I don't feel good enough," Brendon says softly. "I feel useless and worthless. I feel like I'm not...I'm not worthy to even be here, ya know? Like I don't belong," he says and turns to look at Josh. "Does that make sense?"

"Yeah. Of course. But...but you are good enough."

Brendon nods and then shrugs, laughing it off completely. "Fuck it, right? Fuck everyone. Doesn't matter if I am or not. People are gonna keep leaving me anyways. Dad. Mom. Ryan," he says and pops a handful of pills in his mouth, swallowing them dry. "Fuck them all."

"Your grandparents stayed. I stayed."

"Everything is temporary, Josh. Even my highs and my sobriety. It's all temporary. And the only time that I feel good about something ending is when that ending is to me being sober," he explains and looks at Josh. "Don't be so sentimental, Josh. I'm fine."

Brendon collapses during first period.

.....................

'His grandparents put Brendon back in the hospital. To sober him up again' Josh messages Tyler.

He doesn't expect an answer. But Tyler loves surprises him.

'Are we busting him out?'

'No. He almost over dosed. I think it's my fault.'

'No. It's not.'

Josh makes a noise and shakes his head. 'He could've died. I let him do that. I let him fucking take too much.'

'Please don't blame yourself.'

'If he died, it would've been on me. My best friend could be fucking dead bc of some stupid sense of loyalty I feel to him bc he asked me to not tell bc he didn't wanna go back to the hospital. Brendon is alive bc the paramedics reacted fast enough.'

'Brendon is alive. He's not dead. Do it right the next time. Don't stay quiet. Help him, Josh. I know you can help him. You've helped me.'

Josh doesn't reply, he throws his phone across the room and buries his face in his pillow and he breathes. He's still fucking numb.

............................

"Hey, look who it is. My very own sugar daddy," Brendon laughs and Josh smiles a watery smile in return and bends down to hug his best friend.

He's out of woods and into a cozier hospital room and Josh feels the stiffness in his body leave as soon as they hug. The weight lifts off his shoulders.

"What gifts did you bring me?"

"I brought Inception so you could watch Tom Hardy's butt. And I brought food for humans." Josh shows off the Taco Bell and hands it over to the grabby hands that Brendon makes. "And your present present is at your house."

"What is it?"

"You'll see it when you get out," Josh chuckles and sits down on the bed next to Brendon. "How're you feeling?"

"Fucking wrecked, dude. But it's ok. Check this out. They're weening me off of the drugs by giving me different drugs of lower doses. But I still get to feel good because of chemicals in a pill," he says and Josh shakes his head.

"Don't do that again."

"No more breakfasts, then?"

"Only if it's pancakes," Josh tells him and Brendon nods easily.

Josh looks around the room and notices a chair on the other side, a familiar black hoodie draped over it. "Who was here?"

"Oh. Shit. Tyler's here, actually. He went down to grab something from his car. He's coming back."

Josh waits patiently, talking and joking with Brendon until Tyler appears in the room with a small brown ukulele. Josh smiles up at him and waves.

"I got a Snapchat at four in the morning with someone complaining they couldn't sleep," Tyler explains and moves to sit down on the chair on the otherside.

"Which pegs an even better question. What were you doing up at four in the morning?"

Tyler chuckles and shakes his head. "I'm here to sing to him, not be interrogated."

Josh relents and nods. "Sing away."

The boy with the ukulele bites his lower lip, holding the instrument close to him. "I'm not really good," he says and then lets it settle in his hold before he starts to slowly strum.

He starts singing with some little noises: some na na na's and ooh's. Then he finally brings in words and Josh smiles instantly when he hears his voice come to life.

"When the leader of the bad guys sang, something soft and soaked in pain, I heard the echo from his secret hideaway.........."

...........................

Brendon's fast asleep by the end of the song.

...........................

"How have you been?" Josh asks Tyler in the hallway, walking away from the room slowly.

Visiting hours are over, they've got to go home now.

"I--ok."

Josh sighs and bites his lip nervously. "Have you hurt yourself?"

"You know it's not me doing it, Josh. It's not," Tyler argues and Josh sighs.

"Do you need me to take care of you?" He asks softly and Tyler nods.

.......................

The wounds are identical to the first time Josh cleaned him up. Except this time, there's one more addition. It's one long vertical one that follows along his vein.

Josh has been googling. He knows another millimeter more and Tyler would've bled out faster than the paramedics could've arrived. Tyler could be dead.

Tyler could be. But he isn't. And he won't be.

......................

Josh paces outside of the guidance office, nervously walking back and forth. He stomach is in knots over this. But he can't risk losing someone.

He gathers his courage and he walks into the room, sitting down in the chair in front of the wooden desk.

"Can I help you?" The counselor asks and Josh nods slowly.

"I think one of my friends wants to harm himself. Well. No. No. He's already done that. I thin...I think he wants to kill himself."

.....................

'Brendon was lucky. I won't wager your life on luck. I'm sorry' Josh messages Tyler.

'It's ok.'

....................

Tyler is actually in school when it happens. He gets pulled from class by police officers. He's not in trouble. They repeat that several times but he puts up a fight; he refuses to comply.

He's in handcuffs when Josh sees him walking by and Tyler glares ahead, refusing to meet his stare. Josh isn't sure he even noticed his presence.

He repeats in his head that it was for the best. Tyler needed help. He needed this.

....................

Tyler isn't allowed a phone where he's at. Tyler isn't allowed visitors. He's not allowed to leave.

Josh repeats these rules in his head but he still finds himself waiting by his phone for a late night message just asking Josh to come smoke with him.

It never comes.

.....................

'I miss you' Josh messages Tyler.

It goes unread.

It'll probably delete itself before Tyler ever gets a chance to read it.

So he keeps messaging him, knowing Tyler can't see it. It's therapeutic.

.....................

'I miss smoking with you'

....................

'I wish you could reply.'

.....................

'Brendon's back. Wish you were 2'

......................

'Please don't fucking hate me. Remember how I said I was fearless? I did it bc I felt fear again. I forgot what it felt like but it feels like a giant hole in my chest and it was in the shape of you. The thought of you gone fucking scared me. I did it bc I was scared for you, Tyler.'

.......................

'I'm sorry.'

........................

'I think I love you.'

........................

Josh watches as the blue arrow from the last message he sent gets unfilled. It's been read.

He panics for a moment but he doesn't have time to dwell on it because his phone is suddenly going off. He groans and hits the green button quickly. "Hello?"

"Is Tyler with you?" He hears Brendon ask.

"No. Why--dude, he's in the hospital, remember?"

"Fuck. No he's not. He's fucking not. They don't know how he got out but he fucking did. His mom says he used to talk about you a lot and she thought maybe he could be with you," Brendon explains.

"Fuck. I'm gonna go look for him."

"Please do. He's in bad shape. His mom says she barely knew who he was anymore. He kept getting worse and worse and dude. I'm--dude I'm fucking freaked out. We need to find him and get him back. He's out of his fucking head right now."

Josh stops putting on his shoes and thinks over that statement. He looks outside of his house and sees the stars are out and he grabs his keys from his nightstand. "I know where he is," he says simply and hangs up.

He drives to the familiar park on the other side of town, his heart is racing the entire time. He parks his car and gets out of it, walking towards the swing sets in the back. He hears the soft, rhythmic creaking of the swings and his heart settles a bit.

There's a figure in grey sitting on the very last swing, barely rocking back and forth. Josh moves closer and sits down next to Tyler. He takes in his appearance and schools his face into neutrality.

Red cuts litter all over his arms, extending past the elbows and up. He sees something red across his throat and he looks away. He doesn't want to linger too much there. He's scared to know.

"Tyler?" He finally breaks the silence, staring at the boy who hadn't even acknowledged his presence.

He stops swinging suddenly and just stares out blankly ahead.

"Tyler, it's about to rain," Josh tells him quietly. "We should take you somewhere warm. Somewhere safe."

"I'm not safe," he finally replies.

"You're with me. I can keep you safe," he says and he prepares for Tyler to tell him off. To call him a snitch and a liar. To call him out for betraying his trust.

He doesn't. He smiles sadly instead. "It's too late for that," he says softly and turns now to look at Josh. "Please don't forget about me."

"Tyler I could fucking never forget you," Josh says and moves to be in front of Tyler, bending down so they're more eye level. "Tyler, I can keep you safe. You said I made you feel safe. Feel safe with me. I'm safe."

"You still make me feel safe, Josh. That never changed," he whispers, his eyes looking over Josh's face. They move up and down, up and down and Josh thinks it's cause he can't focus, until he realizes Tyler is memorizing him. "I read what you sent."

"How?"

"I just...I got a gut feeling," he chuckles. "I used to sneak off and check my phone in lock up the first time they put me there. I didn't want to this time. Didn't want to think of you. But then I did and...and it just made me realize some things."

"Like what?"

Tyler smiles again. "You knew where to find me."

"It was the first place I looked," Josh says softly with a light chuckle. "The only place I looked."

"I knew you'd find me. You have a weird way of always finding me. Even when I don't want you to."

"I'll always find you, Tyler Joseph. Even if it means finding you in the depths of your mind. I'll always find you and bring you back."

Tyler's about to talk when he blinks in surprise as a water droplet lands on his cheek. He looks up just as the sky rips open and it begins to pour. He laughs and closes his eyes, letting the rain soak into his skin. He stands up and laughs and laughs and Josh reaches for him.

"Tyler."

"Again," he laughs and looks at Josh, waiting for Josh to do it again.

"Tyler."

"Again," he requests and gets closer.

Josh repeats his name again and again like he did before, letting the distance between them grow smaller and smaller until he's breathing Tyler's name into his mouth and Tyler swallows it. He tastes it on Josh's tongue.

He holds his face gently and Tyler fists his shirt tightly. He doesn't want to let go. He's anchoring himself in case he floats away.

And Josh, well, Josh kisses him back with all that he can. He feels his soul shatter into hundreds of pieces and they poke through his skin and leave him open and raw. He kisses back and he wants to keep this moment forever. To lock it away in some Harry Potter magic shit and never forget it.

But Tyler tastes sad. He tastes like goodbye and that has Josh pulling back and resting his forehead against the others.

"Are you back?" He asks softly, kissing Tyler's forehead and wrapping his arms around the smaller boy.

"No," Tyler admits and clings back to Josh. "I don't think I can come back. I'm already gone."

It pours and Josh shivers but he refuses to let go. He can't let go. Tyler isn't gone. He's right there. He's right there.

He feels the fingers tighten in his shirt before they release entirely and he feels Tyler's mouth move against his. He tastes his breath. He hears the sounds. But he can't remember the words Tyler spoke against his lips. He can't no matter how hard he tries.

He can't remember when Tyler let go or walked away.

And he can't remember how he ended up in the middle of downtown in the middle of the night, completely drenched when there's no sign of rain near him.

.............................

Brendon finds him wandering.

"Holy shit. Holy shit. Josh? Holy fucking shit," he gasps out, jumping out of his car and running towards the sopping wet boy.

Brendon grabs him and pulls him tightly into a hug, holding on for dear life.

"What's wrong, dude?" He asks as the other boy pulls him in tighter.

"Dude we couldn't--you just hung up. You were gone. You wouldn't answer your fucking phone. I thought--I thought he snapped and--Jesus Christ, Josh. You're alive. You're ok," he cries and Josh holds him as he breaks down.

................................

Josh is told the last time it rained was a week ago. It rained that whole night and it hasn't rained since.

"Why am I wet?" He asks, pulling the blanket the police gave him tighter.

The last time he was in a police station, they were trying to charge him for attempted murder. He had only been out of the hospital for an hour before they brought him in.

Now he's there in one of the chairs and they're offering him a cup of coffee after coffee and food from the vending machine. He denies the food but accepts the coffee.

"Do you know what day it is? Do you know where you are? Do you know who you are? Your name?" The officer asks and Josh snorts. "What's funny, kid?"

"I--I used to ask my friend those same questions," he says lightly and then looks up. "It's Friday. I'm in a police station. My name is Joshua Dun."

Safe. He's safe. That's who he is. Safe.

"Your friend is that...is that Mr. Joseph?"

Josh nods slowly, looking down at his coffee and swirling the milk around into the dark liquid. "Yes."

"Did he hurt you?"

Josh stops swirling the coffee. "No."

"Do you know where he is?"

"No." Not anymore.

"Were you with him this whole time?"

"Yes," Josh replies and sighs a bit. He reaches up and touches his lips and smiles just a fraction.

"You were alone with Mr. Joseph for an entire week?"

At that, Josh looks up, his hand falling to his lap as he stares in confusion. "A week? I just got a call from Brendon a few hours ago asking me to help them find...find..Tyler," he struggles to get out.

"Son. You and Mr. Joseph have been missing for an entire week. Your friend still hasn't been found."

.............................

They put up posters all over town with Tyler's face. It's plastered all throughout the town and the neighboring cities. It's an old picture, Josh notices. It's old because Tyler is smiling and there are no bags under his eyes. Tyler looks happy.

..............................

The week after Josh is found, the search is intensified. They send out dogs to find Tyler. They take his clothes and have them sniff the scent but the trail stops somewhere in the woods behind the park.

He drags Brendon to the park swings every night that week, just waiting for Tyler to come running out of the woods, trying to avoid being caught. He waits for Tyler to come back.

................................

While he waits for Tyler to come back, more people leave. More kids from his school go missing. And as the number of missing persons go up, the efforts to find his friend go down.

They go down until there's four other faces people are searching for and Tyler is a forgotten case. Josh doesn't forget. He can't. He wishes he could.

................................

"This curfew blows," Brendon complains.

"Four missing kids in six months is a lot," Josh says lightly as Brendon climbs into his car around 6 that night. "And besides, it's not a bad one to have. Just have to have a little buddy with you at all times past school hours."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah."

"Did you get the stuff?" Josh asks and Brendon nods, pulling out a bag from his bag.

Josh grabs it from his hands and pulls out a manilla folder, opening it up and sighing as he sees the papers.

"How did you even manage?" Josh's asks as he flips through the file before him.

It's Tyler's case file. His mental health evaluation.

"I worked a summer at the therapist's office as a file boy, essentially. They didn't teach me how they named the cases but I caught on. It's the first three letters of his last name, his first initial. And birthday."

Josh looks at the little tab on the actual folder and reads it. JOST120188. Brendon's right.

"How did you manage to grab it?"

"I snatched the new guy's keys," he says easily enough and Josh hands the file back over and drives off to their spot.

The car pulls to a stop outside of the little park and Brendon just stares out. "Do you still think he comes here?"

"Yeah," Josh admits without any hesitation.

"Do you think you'll catch him?"

"I'm the only one that can find him," Josh explains and turns his car off and grabs the file again, searching through it. "It says he was getting erratic. More aggressive and violent."

"Maybe that's why they thought they were looking for your corpse," Brendon muses out loud.

He reaches down into his bag and pulls out a pack of cigarettes, offering one over to his friend. He takes one too and they both light up.

"I fucking miss weed," Brendon complains and watches as the smoke swirls in the car. "I miss drugs in general. This shit doesn't cut it."

"Yeah but you almost died so it's either these or nothing at all," Josh replies quickly and flips through more pages.

The doctor talks about his disassociation a lot. How the frequency increased. It says the longer he was kept isolated, the more violent he became. Josh's heart hurts just from thinking of it. He imagines Tyler alone and scared and hurt and the guilt makes his stomach clench painfully.

"Hey," Brendon snaps him out of his head and he looks up. "Don't make that face."

"What face? I'm not making any face," he argues.

"Yes you are. It's the guilty face. You are not guilty. You did the right thing. You were scared for him."

"He asked me to not do it," Josh replies. "But I did it anyways."

"Tyler is sick."

"I know."

"He needed help."

"He needed me."

"He still has you....after all this time?"

Josh smiles and his eyes threaten to water. It's a stupid Harry Potter line but now he feels the weight of those words.

"Always," he finally replies.

...............................

"Are you sure, Josh?" Brendon asks, a few nights later as they're sitting across a warehouse.

In the file, Tyler had come here once when he was a child when he had run away. He had claimed the building felt safe right after his dad had left.

"Yeah. This is the one."

"He might not be in there. In been half a year," Brendon reminds him and shakes his head. "Or he might be in there and we might not like what we see. Josh, we--

"I'm going in."

Josh is out of the car before Brendon can stop him. He walks across the street, pulling his hood over his head and walking to the side of the building where there's a door that's lock needs to be changed. He's been researching. And he had come here the night before to check on security.

He hears footsteps behind him and he smirks a bit. "Decided to join?"

"You know I'm not leaving you alone."

"Thanks."

He grabs the doorknob and turns it twice like he did the day before, hearing it groan under the pressure before it finally gives way. He opens it and lets Brendon in first before he walks in afterwards. They take their phones out to shine light on everything.

There's a lot of stuff in there. A lot of boxes and broken things and Josh understands why Tyler would like to go here. Why he would feel safe?

He would feel like no one can find him.

He smiles and shines his phone on everything, trying to find a trace of Tyler anywhere. He's desperate.

"Josh!" Brendon calls and he's turning around and jogging to where he is on the other side. "Look at this. This...this has got to be his...right?"

Josh grabs what Brendon's offering out to him and looks at it. It's a hospital bracelet. The name has been angrily scratched out but there's dates. "We can--fuck it is his. Has to be. This was like six months ago."

"Fuck. He was here."

"Might still be here. Tyler!" Josh screams and starts to run, calling out his name.

He runs and runs and then stops when something rolls from an open door he just passed. He backtracks and looks into the dark hallway, slowly walking in. "Are you in here?" He asks softly, his heart picking up.

He takes a few more steps in and then feels a breath on his neck. He turns around.

............................

Brendon finds him hours later just wandering the streets, lost and confused. He has no memory of having gone to the warehouse. Doesn't remember why.

............................

"I think we should stop searching," he tells him a week later.

"What? Why?" Josh asks angrily.

"Because this isn't--it isn't healthy for you. We haven't found anything. Josh, I just--I can't lose you," he says softly and Josh groans.

"I can't give up on him."

"You have to, Josh. You fucking have to. This is killing you."

"Well then I'll look for him as a ghost."

Brendon shakes his head, he turns away and glares outside.

"We found his medical bracelet. I matched up the dates. It has to be his," Josh argues calmly.

"But he's not there anymore and we're out of leads. The last thing to steal would be his file in the police department but I can't do that. I could get arrested. Like...Josh. Please. You're obsessed. This isn't healthy. You barely--

"Don't," he interrupts dangerously. "I'll see you tomorrow, Brendon."

"Josh. I'm doing this because you're my best friend and you're all I really have," Brendon says softly and grabs Josh's shoulder. "Josh I love you. Josh."

"I love you too," he replies and turns to wrap an arm around Brendon an hug him. "Please. Just give me until the end of this week. If there's nothing left then I'll give up," he whispers.

"The end of this week," Brendon agrees and pulls back with a smile. "You be safe."

"You too."

......................

Brendon goes missing the end of that week.

......................

Josh breaks down. He cries and cries and holds the page that has his best friends face printed on it. He sits on the swings and has a case of beer next to his legs. As soon as he's done with the bottle in his hand, he switches to the next one.

Brendon is gone.

He drinks faster at the thought and wipes at his face.

He's gone.

They're gone.

............................

"Josh, do you know why you're in here?" The school counselor asks.

"No."

She nods and looks over him. He twitches and he sighs a bit. He's exhausted but he stayed up all night. And he's so fucking hungover.

"You've had two people close to you go missing."

"That is correct," he agrees, staring blankly at her.

"And how do you feel?"

Josh thinks about it. He really does. What does he feel? "Nothing."

"But you--

"I feel numb."

She nods now in understanding. "Depression doesn't always mean sad. It can mean numb," she explains. "We can schedule you for routine talks with me or we can get in touch with your parents and have them--

"Honestly, I would really like to be left alone right now," he snaps.

She nods slowly. "Ok. If you need me, I'm here for you, ok?"

"Yeah."

"And Josh...."

"Yeah?"

"How's your head?" She asks slowly. "Your parents expressed concern that you were having a lot of headaches and blackouts. Maybe some memory loss?"

Josh's fingers twitch on his thigh and he smiles a bit. "No. I'm fine," he lies.

.............................

Josh drives up to the little cliff that they have on the outskirts of town. He drives to the top and parks his car and sits on the hood of it, a case of beer beside of him. He sips on the first bottle slowly, nursing it close to his chest as he stares out to the sky.

In another life, he would've taken Tyler here. He would've showed Tyler where he goes to hide away from the world.

In another time, he would've reached out and held Tyler's hand on the way up. They would've sat together on the hood of his car and talked about their lives. Josh would tell him the story of the dude he almost killed again, except he would cry.

This time when he told it, there would be feelings. He'd tell him what emotions lead to it. He'd tell him how he feels like a failure. How lonely he feels. How much stress there was at the time to be the best. How he didn't want any of that anymore. How he wanted to give it up but he didn't want to disappoint his parents.

Tyler would've leaned over and kissed him. Would've wiped away the wetness on his cheek and they would've held each other until they broke apart and fixed each other. Josh could've loved the sadness from Tyler, and Tyler would've made Josh brave enough to understand it's ok to follow his dreams. And josh would've followed them.

And Brendon. Fucking Brendon. He would've gotten help again. He would've finished the programs his grandparents paid for and he would've stayed sober. He'd get help. He'd understand that he's not a hopeless case. That everyone who left him, left because of their issues and not his.

It's not his fault that they didn't want to stay. It was not his fault.

But he's lonely. He sits on top of a lonely cliff, on a metal throne that's his car. It's always loneliest at the top.

The bottom sounds much more appealing now. Disappearing sounds like an adventure.

...............................

He sits in front of the police. They have Brendon's records inside. He needs to get them.

Josh looks across the street at the building and nods slowly. He needs them. He needs to find a lead. He needs to find similarities with all of the other cases.

He looks down at his list:

TJ*  
Brendon*  
Ashley Frangipane  
Pete Wentz  
Dallon Weekes  
Hayley Williams

Those are all the records he needs. Tyler's is missing half of it and he knows the other half is there. But the others are missing everything. It's a multi night job that needs multiple people but he's out of options. He's out of people. He's out of time.

Josh grabs the beer from his cup holder and takes a swig from it. Liquid courage, as his parents love to tell him it is.

His car makes a noise as he gets out, he's careful to not lock it as he leaves. He'll need a quick getaway. He'll need to be gone as fast as he went in--probably faster.

He quietly stands by the door for a second before he walks in. It's not like the movies. There is security and they eye him suspiciously.

"Can I help you?"

"Sorry. I was just...I have some information on the missing persons case," he says slowly.

"Oh. What's your name?"

"I--I'd rather stay anonymous," he says slowly. "Do you have a bathroom?"

"Yeah. Uhm. Can we take you to one of the Officers first?"

"Sure."

He's lead down the hallway and he memorizes the way it looks, the different routes to get back. And then he sees the room. It's barely a glance but he sees Tyler's face and Brendon's and then the door is shut by the security escorting him as they walk by and Josh nods.

He stops in front of another door and the officer gestures inside.

"Sorry. I really have to go to the bathroom. I'm nervous."

"Don't be, son. The bathrooms down there. Just walk in whenever you're done. He'll be waiting."

"Ok."

The security officer leaves and Josh walks to the bathrooms unsupervised. But he doesn't walk into the bathroom. He slips into the room and locks it behind him.

He's got minutes, if even that. He goes to the board in the middle and takes it in. Tyler's face is in the middle and there's other pictures too. Blurry ones. And there's red lines connecting other faces he doesn't recognize to Tyler's. And Brendon's face.

He takes his phone out and takes pictures of it before moving to the boxes on the side. It's all the files. He needs the box.

He can't come back. He needs this.

He grabs the box and stuffs as many files as he can from other boxes and then he walks out of them room, putting his hoodie up and walking away calmly.

Three steps in and there's a shout and Josh runs. He holds the box tightly and rounds the corner, running into the first security officer who chases after him too. They're all chasing and he runs through the front doors and he has enough time to let the box drop and take off his hoodie and use that to tie the front doors together.

The officers pile up and shove but the door barely moves. Josh picks up the box again and runs. It barely slows them down but it's enough so that Josh can get into his car and drive off.

He's never been more thankful to his parents for being rich and barely around. They gave him a sports car. One that's faster than any police car.

He's gone before they can even get into their cars. And josh is thankful. He's so thankful. But it'll only be a matter of time before they find him.

He has to find Tyler and Brendon first, though.

.....................

Josh drives down to his house, taking the long way just in case they followed him. But he drives past his house when he sees the police already there.

He curses and drives on. He's fucked. He's out of time and he didn't find them. Didn't even get to fucking start. Fuck. Fuck.

It isn't like the movies.

He grabs his phone and dials his parent's number. They answer with screaming but he ignores them.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. But Brendon's gone too, now. And I don't know what I'm doing and I've fucked everything up but I did this because I have to find him. I have to find both of them. I think they think Ty is behind this. I know he's not. I know he's innocent. They think Brendon's dead too but I know he's not that either!" Josh says to his mom. "I can't come back until I find them. And I'm gonna find them, mom. I promise I'll come back but I have to try."

"Josh I love you! Please don't do this to us!" She screams back l.

"I love you too." He hangs up.

Josh holds the phone in his hand as he keeps driving. He doesn't know where to go. Doesn't know what to do. Where does he start?

He speeds up without knowing. His heads so fucked up. His mind is a blur from the adrenaline and the alcohol. He glances down at his phone and sees a notification.

'Tyler is typing............'

His heart freezes when he sees that and he laughs out. He knew it. He's alive. He's alive.

Josh glances up when he hears the car horn blaring.

........................

Josh is upside down. His head is heavy with blood and his throats burns. Why does it burn?

........................

His seatbelt is stuck. It keeps him strapped and trapped into the seat. His head hurts. His vision is spotty and blurry.

........................

He gets the seatbelt to release him and he falls into the windshield, little pieces of glass digging into his already injured back. It all hurts. It hurts.

......................

He tries to crawl out from the windshield but there's too many shards there. He can barely move. He lays there.

The driver's side door opens.

He blinks up and can't focus to see who's there.

"Josh," they say and Josh doesn't move. "Josh, you have to move."

Josh looks up and sees an outstretched hand being offered to him. He groans.

.............................

"Josh!"

He blinks open his eyes. He keeps passing out. There's so much red. He hates the color red now. He's hated it since...since.....

"Josh! You have to get out of there!" The person screams and Josh looks over to where the box was and he sees a piece of paper there. He touches it. He ignores the screaming and pulls on it until it slides out and a picture of Tyler greets him. It's perfectly unharmed and he smiles a bit but he realizes he has to get out of the car.

He won't die in there.

So he moves. He screams as his ribs shift and his leg feels far too heavy and disconnected from him to listen to him. But he moves. He crawls on his forearms that are strong from drumming his whole life. He drags himself out of there, ignoring the shards of metal and glass that cut into him because Josh it determined to not give in to the dark.

He can't. Not yet.

He feels hands grabbing at his shoulders and they pull him the rest of the way out. They drag him out of the car and onto the grass near the accident. They lay him out on his back and he stares up at the stars and smiles.

"He loved the stars."

"He loved you," the person replies back to him and Josh wishes he could see their face. But his vision is spotty again. "He loved you with all of his heart," they say and Josh closes his eyes.

He feels lips against his. Soft, like Tyler's. And he smiles again.

"With all of his heart," they say again against his lips and he feels their hand on his chest.

His heartbeat is slow. So slow. It's so slow that Josh barely notices when his own heartbeat stops. It hurts when it does though.

And then he lays there motionless as the rain starts up and the drops land on his face.

**Author's Note:**

> Just preparing you guys, don't read if you don't want any spoilers. But this fic is tagged under fantasy for a reason btwwww.


End file.
